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Lauren Beukes

@ Sunday Times Books LIVE

Litmash #3

I’m late putting up the results of the last #Litmash, a literary genre remix game I ran as part of Twitter’s Fiction festival, in which I had an hour to write as many tweet-sized stories as possible according to suggested mash-up themes.

It was really hard to pick themes this time round, not least cos Bruce Sterling kept chiming in with ridiculously genius ideas.

The ones I picked this time round were:

From RT @gareth_danger: Kama Sartre

#litmash #twitterfiction Kama Sartre: Hell is sex with other people.


RT @weird_prophet: Beatrix Potter x Chuck Palahniuk

#litmash PotterxPalahniuk: The first rule of Carrot Club is we don’t talk about Carrot Club, Peter Rabbit warned.

#litmash #twitterfiction PotterxPalahniuk: I am Benjamin Bunny’s vented spleen. His gutted innards. His roast haunch on a plate.

#litmash #twitterfiction Tom Kitten cut through the wallpaper, revealing black mould. No, not mould, the splattered remains of Tiggywinkle

RT @bruces: *Science fiction novels written by any major-league national politician who isn’t Newt Gingrich

#litmash #twitterfiction Todd Akin Politician SF: Luckily the alien parasites we implanted in women’s wombs really DO stop legitimate rape.

#litmash politicalSF Paul Rand: The rabid sex parasites (or, as they were called pre-revolution, “women”) were best kept in quarantine.

#litmash politicalSF Helen Zille: “Compound” was the wrong word. So was “cronies”. Try “interdimensional portal”. Try “space demons”.

#litmash #politicalSF Putin: The Russian ballerinas elected to cabinet weren’t ballerinas at all when they took their faces off.



RT @somebadideas: @laurenbeukes I wonder if you could cross self help book for pick up artists with young adult postapocalyptic romance #litmash

Although I just sucked at this one, but other people came up with some winners, below:




Here are my favourites from other people playing along:

Kama Sartre

RT @mum61e: He loved Hoederer, but he could not, or would not, do reverse-cowgirl. “Non récupérable!” cried Jean-Paul. #twitterfiction #litmash

RT @mum61e: “The ‘experiences of the individual’ be buggered,” said Simone de Beauvoir. “I’m not sucking anything.” #twitterfiction #litmash

RT @AllenStairs: Sex with yourself is a room of one’s own with no view


 Chuck Palahniuk vs Beatrix Potter

RT @newageamazon: I vomited in the garden, blood, carrots and stomach acid spewing forth nonstop. Flopsy smiled and encouraged me to paint again. #litmash

RT @FrancineToon: @laurenbeukes If I could wake up in a different garden, a different warren, would that make me a different bunny? #litmash

RT @HelStocks: #litmash Peter Rabbit stumbled from his trailer, bare chest heaving, blood-soaked rake in paw. McGregor was inside, cabbage-stuffed mouth.

RT @just___nick: Mr. McGregor watched in awe as Peter Rabbit grabbed himself by the ears, punched himself in the eye, then a smack to his own mouth. #litmash

RT @just___nick: Mr. McGregor spewed,”You better take that crazy to somebody else’s yard!” Peter Rabbit’s head snapped around.He glared at McGregor. #litmash

RT @just___nick: “Do you know who I am?” PR asked. The farmer stood completely still, surprised by his tone. “Who Am I?” PR repeated. #litmash

RT @just___nick: McGregor found his voice.”You’re that crazy little rabbit from next door.Now you go on and get outta here before I ring your neck.” #litmash

RT @just___nick: Peter hopped toward the farmer,stopped a few feet away from him.He grabbed hold of a magnificent watermelon,pulled it off the vine. #litmash

RT @just___nick: He smashed the superfruit into the ground, its green shell shattering, pink guts spilling all over the dirt. #litmash

RT @just___nick: “What do you think you’re doing?”McGregor yelled. PR turned to him,his eyes went dark.  “I WANTED TO DESTROY SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL!” #litmash

RT @mum61e: “Only if we’re caught and punished can we be saved,” Mr. McGregor told Peter, and swung the axe. #twitterfiction #litmash

RT @RicharddeNooy: Beatrix Potter shook the two rabbits vigorously before dropping them into the ring under the dangling cabbage. #litmash #PotterxPalahniuk

RT @mbrhmr: #litmash I stumbled through the basement soap factory, abandoned and reeking of lye. Peter had been busy.

RT @weird_prophet: His name is Peter rabbit. His name is Peter Rabbit.His name is Peter Rabbit. His name is Peter Rabbit. #litmash #twitterfiction


Major Politician writing science fiction:

RT @desiccatedveins: #litmash Sarah Palin SF: “Was the dominance of the transdimensional hivemind caused by gay marriage and liberal tomfoolery? You betcha.”

RT @newageamazon: Anthony Weiner Sci-Fi Novel: Penises became sentient and DM pictures of themselves in a bid for world domination. #twitfic #litmash

RT @TOMolefe: “Space is free,” read the billboard on the entry into the Zuma galaxy. “But this space is freer than others.” #litmash #Twitterfiction

Post-Apocalypse Pick-Up Artist YA

RT @newageamazon: Try negging that girl from the District above you with something like “You’ll never survive the Hunger Games.” #litmash #twitfic

 RT @newageamazon: Every guy, no matter who he is or how he looks, deserves a woman who’s a 10, or at least a decent replicant of one. #twitfic #litmash

RT @mattlibrarian: @laurenbeukes Tom & Jill snuck out to makeout point the night of the Rad storm  they were found fused together-it was sooo romantic #litmash

RT @mattlibrarian: @laurenbeukes Baddy your daddy must have been Robert Oppenheimer – because you are the BOMB! #litmash #YAvsApoc

RT @kentsbike: Jack tried the “You’re not as decayed as most zombie chicks” line. She played along and found his brains delicious.

RT @mum61e: “It must be the radioactivity, because you are HOT, girl,” he purred. “That’s, like, so, like, you know, lame,” she spat. #litmash #YAvsApoc

RT @desiccatedveins: #litmash Tell her she’s the last girl on Earth, if it’ll get you some action. And depending on how the next bombing run goes, might be true.

RT @Sapartridge: She wants flowers. Flowers! You try finding some that aren’t radioactive. *rolls eyes* #litmash #YAvsApoc


And here are some of the best suggestions I didn’t get to use this time round:

RT @Samuel_Erkison: @laurenbeukes Gor as written by Andrea Dworkin. #litmash

RT @bruces: @laurenbeukes *Kids true-crime books, the O’Reilly Guide to Romance, horror cookbooks #twitterfiction #litmash

RT @Enigmeg: @laurenbeukes Sweet Valley High meets apocalyptic sci-fi #litmash #twitterfiction

@helstsocks @laurenbeukes Homer meets Court Room drama #litmash #twitterfiction

@gavindoig: Rainbow Six x Flowers for Algernon #litmash

@dessicatedveins: Classic children’s works as written by Jean Genet

@joeyhifi The Secret by Rhonda Byrne llustrated and re-written by Edward Gorey #litmash

RT @bruces: @laurenbeukes *The Lord of the Rings Bollywood tie-in movie novelization #twitterfiction #litmash

RT @QQWill @laurenbeukes A.A. Milne and Piers Anthony. #litmash

RT @just___nick: @laurenbeukes Hanibal lector and mary poppins #litmash #twitterfiction

RT @dylanmuhlenberg: @laurenbeukes Rich Dad, Poor Dad vs We Need To Talk About Kevin #litmash #twitterfiction


Thanks everyone for playing along. It was crazy fun.


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