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Lauren Beukes

@ Sunday Times Books LIVE

An Ode to the President’s Penis

The new edition of The Big Issue magazine is out today! Go support your friendly vendor. Here’s my column from last month’s magazine, an ode to the president’s penis, in verse!

Dear Mr State President, we need to have a word

About some of the trouble you’ve recently incurred

What with your running around like you’re Mr Big Love

Getting it on with the ladies without the latex glove.

You’ve inspired national debate and political deadlock

On the subject of your 22 kids and multiple wedlock

You’re caught in between a hard place and a rock…

And it’s not your head at risk on the chopping block!

While our best minds are working on an AIDS vaccine

You’re playing the field like a teenage sex machine,

Busy undermining the sex ed ABCs:

Abstain, be faithful, put a condom on it, please.

At least you “put a ring on it”, like Beyonce says

Upgrading some of your ladyloves to Mrs Prez

But what about the significant others who don’t have bling?

You still gonna keep on at ‘em, keep swinging that thing?

You said many good things in your address to the nation

Talking about jobs and health and improving education…

But times are tough out there for our single moms

Especially with fathers absent without any qualms.

Breaking up families was apartheid’s worst wrong

Please tell me you’re not encouraging the same old song

Of struggling working moms and dads in far off places

Kids on their own, soon to be social welfare cases.

It’s a confounding factor in the worst of our ills

(You’re lucky to have the taxpayers footing your bills)

Men need to be accountable for sowing their seeds

They have to be able to support all their kids’ needs.

Sorry for you, public figures don’t get private lives

Especially if it turns out they’re cheating on their wives

And disrespected families are demanding redress.

As Prez, you have to be MORE responsible, not less.

You’ve said you’re sorry and you even seem to mean it

Now it’s time to stand up and show us your grit

Please keep in mind, a leader leads by example

So can you quit handing out the free semen samples?


(* including allocating a $15.5 million budget to supporting his nearest and dearest and keeping it in the family with all the dodgy business interests of his wives and lovers.


Recent comments:

  • <a href="" rel="nofollow">Helen</a>
    March 19th, 2010 @22:50 #

    Hee hee hee hee. Beukes for Poet Laureate?


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